You are not the Biggest Loser

Dear Shay,

Sorry you got voted off the Biggest Loser tonight. I thought it was pretty crazy and sort of bitchy. 100 pounds you lost! If I were overweight and I was a contestant on the show and you fell below the yellow line, I wouldn't vote you off. Unless you fell below the red line, and then, you know... shit happens.

Also, I saw you on Jay Leno, which I am embarrassed to admit. Nice leopard print dress. Is Jay's head like, gigantic in real life? Or does he just have a normal sized head but an enormous face?

Regards,
Chloe

P.S. Jillian is gay, right?

Those Cashews

Dear Girlfriend,

Why did you accuse me of eating all the cashews? I don't even know where that came from. You were quietly watching a football game or that show about lying where they read criminals faces or whatever, and then you said, "Hun! Why did you eat all the cashews?"

First of all, I finished them yesterday and you just noticed 3 minutes ago. I think the statute of limitation for being mad about me finishing a food item is like a couple hours. Not twenty-four.

Secondly, there were only a few little pieces of cashews left in the can. Ok, that is a lie. There were enough nuts to cover the bottom. Still. Like a sixth of the package!

Thirdly, eating one-sixth of the cashews does not constitute "eating all of the cashews." Not in this country or in any other. Not at 9pm, not at 6am. Let's be consistent here.

I'm sorry I finished the cashews, but you're just mad because you like them and you bought them when you went to the dollar store when you were sick. (Also, I want to make fun of you for choosing to go to the dollar store on your one outing when you were sick, but it seems cruel. Maybe in a few more days.)

Maybe next time I go somewhere and I see cashews and I remember that you like them, I will buy them for you. Promise.

Love, Chloe

Something new

I'm trying out something new on Tumblr: WhyDoWeTease.tumblr.com

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-check it out.

"To do nothing at all is the most difficult thing in the world." Oscar Wilde

Read the Idler. "The Idler is a bi-annual, book-shaped magazine that campaigns against the work ethic. "

I found How To Be Idle in a thrift shop and I love it. I have always valued my free time very highly, but I thought that this meant I was lazy and was a major character flaw. But this book changed my whole perspective on the situation. I don't have to apologize for the fact that I like relaxing! And doing nothing! For hours!

And now here is the Freedom Manifesto:

What?!?!?!

Bush will get a pension of nearly $200K

HOW MUCH?! That is so much money.

Speaking about former presidents:

Their pension for the year is $196,700, a figure that will grow to $203,600 next year and $210,700 in 2011. The NTU estimates that if Bush, now 62, reaches his current life expectancy of 83.5 years, he will receive pension payments of $5,564,800, compared to the $3.2 million he earned serving in the White House.

Also,

The 1958 act also provides a former president with office space and office staff, a travel fund and mailing privileges. A presidential widow can get a lifetime annual stipend of $20,000. In fiscal year 2008, the General Services Administration provided total allowances of more than $1 million for Clinton, and almost $800,000 for George H.W. Bush, according to the Congressional Research Service.

Outrageous!

Weird careers from US News

US News & World Report, famous for their rankings of educational institutions from preschool to professional development, also weighs in on careers. Ok, not that surprising. But what about the 11 Best-Kept-Secret Careers, eh?

WEIRD.

From the bizarre (Creative Perfumer) to the vague (Program Analyst), the list is stupid. Also, is Casting Director really a position in high demand?

I thought "Best Kept Secret" was a title only used by women's beauty mags (to refer to mascara) and travel journals (to refer to a particular street vendor in Cancun).

What is journalism coming to?

Things I Used To Wear: Footwear

Things I Used To Wear is not limited to clothing. It includes footwear and accessories as well, because those are just as (if not more) ridiculous than the brightly colored, oddly patterned, ill-fitting, ugly ugly ugly clothes I once wore.

Now on to the footwear!



Exhibit A: The fanciest footwear money can buy on a 8th grade salary.

Features include:

• Substantial rounded toe, providing full coverage up to mid-foot.
• Durable straps at a generous width.
• A modest one and one-half inch heel.
• All done in a lovely black satiny material.
  

You might not believe me, but this was CUTTING EDGE FASHION.

I hate to admit it, but the best memory I have wearing these shoes was to a high school dance. Not my finest hour. I wish I had the picture from that dance, because my outfit was absolutely hideous. These shoes paired with a stretchy, navy blue sleeveless dress I borrowed from my cousin on a day's notice, CRIMPED HAIR, and sparkly purple fingernail polish. Also, my mom forced me to wear nylons (which is probably why I chose to wear these particular shoes).

For some reason, I thought that since black, blue and purple are all dark colors, they would go together. This err in judgment was made apparent to me when I saw the posed dance picture several weeks later. About a year after that, I commented to my friend Erica, who was also in the picture, that my choice of colors was rather strange.

"What was I thinking?" I said, laughing.

Erica replied, "Yeah, I noticed that your shoes were black, your dress was navy and your fingers were purple, but it was really too late to do anything about it."

*Awkward silence.*

Me: "You should really tell me next time."

The end.